


I Am Alex Ryder

by Identiaetslos



Series: Alex Ryder Story Arcs [8]
Category: Mass Effect Andromeda
Genre: Addiction, Depression, F/F, Reflection Monologue, self doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 16:21:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13080681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Identiaetslos/pseuds/Identiaetslos
Summary: This fic was borne from a challenge for me to write Alex alone with herself. The real challenge being that Alex doesn't like being alone, and goes out of her way to surround herself with people or fill her life with distractions so she can't ever be alone. Everyone around her knows it's what she really needs, and she knows it too, but accepting it is the hard task. This is Alex talking to herself.





	I Am Alex Ryder

I'm frozen. Lying on the floor of this spaceship, six hundred years and thousands of lightyears from where I started, I continue on into this silent future that is a bigger monster than anything that I have ever faced. It feels like a dream. Some fantasy concocted by the gas and chemicals swirling about in my sterile white tomb with the cheery AI logo printed on the side and the _Hyperion_ moniker surrounding me like an aura of veneered grandeur, or maybe some nightmare projected into my brain by whatever this thing is my dad put inside my head.

No, that isn't fair. But it _is_ fair. I have every right to be afraid, nervous. What am I really afraid of? It's not out there. It's not any of them on the other side of this door. It's me. I'm not who they believe in me to be, and I can't handle all of this riding on my shoulders.

Why did the Universe pick me of all people? I'm not worth anything. My selfishness and stupidity didn't just cost me everything, it cost a whole lot more for people who were depending on me. I failed. I am just going to continue to be a failure. I've always been a failure. It's all I've ever known. Can't cry about that. I don't like it when I cry. I want to, but I can't. Not now. Knowing my luck, I'll let loose and someone will call me to the bridge. Then, I have to explain it to someone. Like Cora or Lexi. Cora already thinks I'm a failure.

A light is blinking on my desk. It's an email. Probably Keri. What of her? She believes I am something I'm not either. I'm not as cool as I think I am, and she probably sees right through me. All I want is for her to love me, but there's no way she can. Not when she finds who I really am. I'm just a pretender, lying on the floor of this space ship pretending to do this meditation. Wonder if Lexi would notice if I raided her booze stash. No...can't do that. Can't relapse like that. You've been doing good, and the reality is, I hate myself when I'm drunk or high. The last thing that needs to be seen out there is for me to lose control. Isn't what this is about? Losing control? Not like that. This is hard. This isn't even what Lexi described. I've never seen any meditation technique that was just lying on the floor feeling sorry for yourself. 

Sounds like something Addison would say. I don't know how she does it. Just switches off like it's nothing. She's seen far more than I have, but she's also made a career about being a successful leader. I haven't. She also wasn't caught having 6 million credits worth of artifacts and equipment stolen from under her nose because she was too busy focusing on some girl, nor was she caught on Omega with head full of booze and drugs. Probably started from the up and up, always with her shit together. I can't even sit in a chair to do this. 

_Breathe, Alex._ Air feels good.

This floor is comfortable...sort of. It's going to suck if I have to get up. Thankfully I haven't needed to. I worry if this ship were ever attacked by Kett or pirates that ever want to do real damage. Whose idea was it to outfit this thing without weapons? Are me and the rest of the gang just going to lean out the windows and start shooting? Me and Cora can take up both sides. Be like dual biotic cannons. Is that a thing? I heard about the asari developing mass effect field artillery, but I never got to see it in action. I should ask Cora. Maybe she'd know. See, I don't even know how I'd fight off Kett if we were ever boarded.

No wonder Addison doubts you. Everyone does, and they have good reasons for it. I can't do this...crying about it won't help me or anyone out there. I can just not feel this way. I wish Lexi was here or Keri. I should call Keri.

Ugh...dizzy and my neck is stiff. I'm going to have a migraine later. Hi little guy. Bob looks hungry. Pellets. Pellets for the Bob. He makes me happy at least. Email is not from Keri. It's from Lisana T'Lesso, that ice runner. Posting checkpoint times and comparing them to Kallo's. Such a braggart, but it keeps Kallo on his toes. We'll beat her one of these days.

Keri...Keri...Keri...Keri...found her number. Let's see if she'll answer. It's after 5. No answer. I'll just message her. Ooh, instant reply: _"Reflection is the light of wisdom." We will talk soon, xo Keri_ That's from Dilinaga's writings. Of course she would have spoken to Lexi, or maybe she is more perceptive than I take her for. I love her. She loves me, but why? I guess that's a question for her to answer. I can do this right? She would tell me that no doubt.

No...this isn't about her or what she'd say to me. I need to stop focusing on other people.

I need to hear this from myself.

Who are you, Alex Ryder? Alexandra Louise Ryder, Mission Specialist, Pathfinder. Captain of the ship named Tempest. That's just my name and some stupid titles. I didn't come out of mom as Pathfinder and Captain of the Tempest. Hell, I came out of mom in a different galaxy. Who am I really? I'm a girl staring at myself in the reflection of a terminal, with dark hair, no shirt on, covered in tattoos, stress pulling at bags forming under my eyes. That's just the surface. An image you've created.

_Who are you?_


End file.
